Hello. Evan here. Linda’s life-partner/sensei. While she and I have several shared interests, the two of us each has a hobby the other one couldn’t care less about. She has football. I have comic books.
She has the National Football League. I have the Justice League. She has end zones. I have Phantom Zones (yes, that’s a thing). Etc.
This year, in order to attract new and lapsed readers, DC Comics decided to reboot all of their titles and start again with fifty-two new #1 issues. The theory is that non-readers have a hard time getting into comic books because they are intimidated by the high numbered issues and 70+ years of sometimes convoluted continuity. It’s pretty daunting to just jump right in to a comic that’s on issue number 900. So why not start fresh?
Are the books “new reader friendly”? I dunno. I’m not a new reader. That’s why I’ve enlisted Linda, life partner/student, to read nine of the new issues and give her take on them. Though she’s read a few comics in her time (Y: the Last Man and various Family Circuses), she doesn’t have the tolerance built up for men in capes like I do. Thus, as their target audience, I thought Linda would be a good barometer of success.
And maybe one day when the NFL decides to throw out 90 years of rules and start fresh with new teams and costumes uniforms, I’ll consider returning the favor.
On with the reviews:
Justice League #1
Written by GEOFF JOHNS; Art and cover by JIM LEE and SCOTT WILLIAMS
Cover: I like the cover because it’s colorful. Wow, that’s insightful. I should have said, “it’s nice.” J I’m pretty sure that Wonder Woman’s boobs would pop out of that outfit every time she moves.
Art: It was a bit busy. I didn’t know what to look at and there was like an explosion in every frame. I had to look at things a few times before I could accurately pair up the dialogue with the art. The sound effects were a little ridiculous.
Story: Ok, why does Green Lantern keep referring to himself in the third person? Linda is really annoyed by this. And there seems to be some sexual tension early on between Batman and Green Lantern. “You’re about to see exactly what’s on my mind—.” “Quiet.” ::KISS:: Or at least that’s what I thought the next panel was going to be. But alas...
I suppose the story was ok. It introduced characters, set up the story for more introductions of characters later and then left you hanging at the end so you would get the next book. Oh and then there’s that weird robot-y villain guy and inserted a Rubik’s cube into a wall or something. Ok. Overall, I don’t feel like enough happened to critique the story any further. Oh, and I totally accidentally read a few of the ads and thought, “what the hell does a Converse shoe have to do with anything?”
Lingering Questions: When do they all become BFFs?
Rating: Uhh...what’s the scale? Let’s say, 3 stars a 7 and a cherry.
Action Comics #1
Written by GRANT MORRISON; Art by RAGS MORALES and RICK BRYANT; Cover by RAGS MORALES
Cover: Ok, this cover is pretty good, but it raises a few questions.
1) Why are all the cars from the 80s?
2) Why does Superman own a Superman t-shirt?
3) Is it just me, or does his cape look super short?
4) Let me know if I’m super smart. On the cop cars chasing him, they have numbers on the roofs: 19 and 38. Now is 1938 the year of the first Superman (Action Comics)? If I AM smart, Evan loves me a little more right now.
Art: Red eye Superman is scary. Lex Luthor doesn’t look menacing enough. (oh wait, it’s the first issue, I shouldn’t know that he’s menacing, right?) In some frames, Superman looks like a teenager and like he’s 30 in others. Lois could be prettier.
Story: At the beginning, the whole “Find the real bad guys.” “Treat people right or expect a visit from me.” stuff seems a bit dated. Like too sweet and square or something. Didn’t sound right considering it takes place in the present or near future.
I would assume we have better things to do with our tanks than to shoot at 1 man.
Oh Clark Kent. I get that you think by putting on glasses that you won’t look like Superman, but I don’t understand channeling your inner Harry Potter.
Lingering Questions: Umm...see above.
Rating: Let’s see, I will go with a thumbs up and a slow clap.
Batwoman #1
Written by J.H. WILLIAMS III and W. HADEN BLACKMAN; Art and cover by J.H. WILLIAMS III
Cover: The cover art is pretty cool, I like it. However, I’m not sold on the color scheme. The design is cool, but I feel like the colors wash it out or something. I would have suggested a darker red or a dark blue in place of all that coral color.
Art: I like that the art uses the entire spread, instead of just the one page like the others I’ve read. I thought it would be hard to follow at first, but it wasn’t. It was kind of refreshing. But, uh...Batwoman is totally a drag queen. She’s waaaaay masculine.
Whoa! Side-boob!
Story: Oops, ok, for like 2 pages I thought I was reading CATwoman. Der.
Huh, “Plebe?” What kind of name is that?
Skeletor is in this too? Cool.
These girls sure do undress a lot.
Propositioned by Batman? Yes please!
The story was a bit all over the place. We got the weird crying urban legend lady thing, the Batwoman and Plebe (still stupid) thing, this medusa stuff and yadda yadda yadda. It lacked focus.
Lingering Questions: Who is uncle/dad Jake? --- Oh... “Colonel Jacob Kane”? Is that Uncle Jake? And crap, that name sounds familiar but I don’t know from where. Dang, I lose all the points I gained with the Action Comics 1938 cover don’t I?
Rating: Let’s see 867-5309.
Green Lantern #1
Written by GEOFF JOHNS; Art by DOUG MAHNKE and CHRISTIAN ALAMY; Cover by IVAN REIS and JOE PRADO
Cover: Very green. Straight forward. And I like that.
Art: If Papa Smurf had a love child with an Oompa Loompa, you would have the Guardians.
Ew. In one panel, Carol looks way too much like Megan Fox. Puke.
Story: I like that he’s broke. Equal opportunity super-heroism is a movement I can get behind.
Finally!! A story I actually follow from start to finish. Must have been all the normal, human stuff with Hal. I got it, I could relate, it made sense. And there were only 2 stories and they came together at the end. Brilliant!
Lingering Questions: None!
Rating: A+B-C/A-B+D*A
Batman #1
Written by SCOTT SNYDER; Art by GREG CAPULLO and JONATHAN GLAPION; Cover by GREG CAPULLO
Cover: Hmm...don’t really like it. It’s too dark and monochromatic. I do appreciate the Riddler’s question mark hair cut, though.
Art: Little too dark for my taste. Damn, Joker is scary!
Uhhh...guy stabbed to the wall. Yeah, that’s gross. Pretty sure I see a knife stabbed in his junk.
Story: I really like the “Gotham Is” start. It immediately draws me in vs. using dialogue where I’m trying to figure out who is talking, who they are talking to, what do they mean by that etc. This I can just read and understand. And it’s a good way to introduce some villains.
Working with the Joker? Whaaaaaat? Oh, ha. One panel later...and Linda is a sucker.
Whoa whoa, who the heck is Damian Wayne? When did batman have a kid? I guess I shouldn’t ask since this is the first Batman comic I’ve ever read. Ok, so I’ll just go with it.
Holy monologue, Batman! If those text bubbles got any bigger I’d be reading a regular book.
Gotham of the Future = The same place with 4 extra skyscrapers. Bravo, Bruce Wayne. Bravo.
VICKI VALE!! Man how I’ve missed you!
Ooohh, good cliffhanger at the end.
I liked this story the most. It was by far the most engaging.
Rating: 3 gold stars
Wonder Woman #1
Written by BRIAN AZZARELLO; Art and cover by CLIFF CHIANG
Cover: Loooove the cover!! There is something very old school and somewhat primal about it. Like a cave drawing or something. It’s neat. My favorite.
Art: Oh yeah, as if that sheet would stay strategically placed over Wonder Woman’s boobs. Riiiight.
There are a few panels where WW’s face is disproportionate to her head. It’s really tiny in comparison to her huge hair.
Story: Whoa whoa, back it up. Some weird purple guy with glowing teeth and eyes got 3 hot chicks to come home with him? Oh and yeah, he threw them off a building. Well what did you expect, he was purple with glowing teeth and eyes!
Oh shiznit! Cut off the horse’s head. And something is crawling out of it. WTF?!
Ok, now there is a blue guy. What planet and what time period is this?
Pregnant by Zeus? Huh, ok. I am so confused.
Oh good, that guy didn’t throw those ladies off the building. He just made them levitate...and see into the future...or something. Oy. Aaand then he burns them. Ok this just keeps getting weird.
Lingering Questions: Uh, yeah. Tons. Like WTF is going on?! I understood NONE of that. I liked the cover and then everything past that was a giant, confusing mess.
Rating: ctrl + z
Aquaman #1
Written by GEOFF JOHNS; Art and cover by IVAN REIS and JOE PRADO
Cover: Well, it’s weird. That’s kinda all I got.
Art: The scenes on land are nice. Very colorful. Man, just make something pretty and I like it. I’m like a child. The scenes in the ocean are too dark. Broken record, anyone?
Mera is hot.
Story: Why is Aquaman showing up everywhere? It’s weird, like he’s trying too hard. Is he trying to get his own reality show or something? And the trident thingy is a bit of a burden to carry around.
Meh. This one was boring and pretty simplistic. Nothing happened that made me care about Aquaman or why on earth he kept appearing everywhere. I guess the thing at the end is interesting, but it happened way too late. I had stopped caring.
Lingering Questions: Is Mera related to Ariel? Because that’s a cross-over I could get behind!
Rating: Two poops on a stick.
All-Star Western #1
Written by JUSTIN GRAY and JIMMY PALMIOTTI; Art and cover by MORITAT
Cover: Feel as though the title font doesn’t fit with the rest of the art. It’s too bright white or something. (can’t see in the picture above). The art itself is pretty good, but it makes me feel cold so I don’t like that. :)
Art: I like the muted colors and all the old-fashioned details. It’s like whenever I think back on the past, I just assume everything was in black and white, just because pictures and TV were that way. Silly I know. But it works.
Now this is going to sound mean, but have comic book illustrators ever seen real boobs? Because whenever they draw busty women in ridiculous get-ups, so much boob is hanging out without a nipple showing that I question their knowledge of female anatomy. And furthermore, don’t they know that if any woman wore those outfits, their boobs would come tumbling out the first time they inhaled? Yeah yeah, gratuitous cleavage for the predominantly male audience, but give me a break. At least try to make it look plausible.
Story: Gotham in the 1880s: cool! Although, it just goes to show that once a crap-hole, always a crap-hole.
I like using the psychoanalysis as a way of character introduction. It was interesting to read what Arkham was concluding while seeing Jonah Hex in action. I’m certain that most of what Arkham assumes is wrong and that you only get to see tiny bits and pieces of Hex as the book continues on and those assumptions change. Or perhaps they want you to think that he is wrong, but instead he’s dead on? Dunno, I know nothing of Jonah Hex.
Mayor Cobblepot? Really?
Pretty good. But I wanted slightly more resolution at the end. Not so much as to jeopardize the cliffhanger, but something more.
Rating: Hooray for a hole in the face.
Flash #1
Written by FRANCIS MANAPUL and BRIAN BUCCELLATO Art and cover by FRANCIS MANAPUL
Cover: I like the cover. It looks flashy. Ha, get it? Even though his head is covered, I get the feeling there is blonde hair under there, so I immediately don’t trust him.
Art: Yup, blonde hair!
Dr. Elias has a butt ugly tie.
I’m not sure the illustration succeeds in making Flash seem fast. I get what they are trying to do, but my brain is not trained to interpret it as him moving super fast. I have no idea how they would improve that though.
Really like the flash-back (ha!) art.
Story: Barry Allen was struck by lighting AND doused in chemicals? Good grief, that’s a bad day.
Flash has a ring too? I bet Green Lantern is so pissed about that. Also, I don’t trust guys that wear rings other than their wedding rings. I have trust issues, huh?
Not a lot here to comment on and I was kinda confused, see below.
Lingering Questions: Hmm...I guess I’m confused about the whole Manuel thing. I don’t get the transition from old friend to weird ninja guy. And then he comes back at the end, and then they are running and being chased. Ok. Still don’t get it.
Rating: ====Meh=. ß that’s a really fast “meh.”
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