Dad On Arrival

I know the economy is bad, but I think it's time to start paying our greeting card writers a little better in order to motivate them to put out better work.  I was recently in the market for Father's Day and birthday cards and was extremely disappointed with the quality of greeting cards available to me.  I'm not the type that buys the sentimental, sappy cards decorated with pastel flowers telling the recipient what a special and beautiful soul they have -  those cards are already in their own special "crap" category.  Conversely, I go for the funny, simple and sometimes offensive cards that accurately represent the recipient or the situation. 

So as I was saying, Evan and I were looking for Father's Day cards and a birthday card for my brother-in-law.  First, we checked out our grocery store while we were doing our weekly shopping.  The selection was small and hugely un-funny.  We picked up several cards hoping to be impressed, but we were nearly offended at the lack of wit and originality.  Assuming it was just the small selection at the grocery store that was the problem, off to Hallmark we went. 

Hallmark has a pretty large section dedicated to Father's Day so our hopes were high.  After glancing through the section I wasn't even inspired to pick up a card to read it.  I knew by looking at the 1/4 of the card cover that sticks out above the row under it that these cards were going to be craptacular as well.  In addition to being boring, most of the cards usually fall into 3 different Father's Day themes: 1) Tools 2) Golf and 3) Butt cracks.  Sometimes one of these themes will yield a slightly witty card, but not this year. 

There is also a new fad in greeting cards called "cards with sound."  Or as I like to call it, "Writers ran out of funny card ideas years ago so they are relying on music to do the trick."  Well, I'm sorry, I just don't think my dad would be that impressed with a card that sings "Shake Your Booty."  But the cards I like the most are the ones that allow you to record your own message.  They are admitting that they can't sell any cards worth a damn, so they are just telling you to do it yourself and charging you a pretty penny to do so.  Brilliant!

Needless to say, we walked out of Hallmark empty handed.  Luckily, there is a cool little shop in Burbank that sells the Selfish Kitty line of greeting cards.  I love these cards, but after several birthdays and other events, I'm running out of options with this somewhat small card line.  This line of cards has great greetings such as:

• Happy Birthday, you bastard! (inside -->) Seriously, though. You really are a bastard.
• Happy Birthday.  I'll see you in hell.  (inside -->) You heard me.
• Congrats on the new baby! (inside -->) And remember, teaching him cuss words is only fun for a little while.

And the list goes on.  Now this is the humor I love!  However, I think after Father's Day and many birthdays, I have exhausted most of my options and will have to turn to the mainstream greeting card lines.  Writers need to start getting funny again or I am going to be forced to make my own cards.  And I'm simply not that good at drawing butt cracks.