::: if you don't feel like reading my life story, skip down to the 3rd paragraph from the bottom :::
So, let's start at the beginning, shall we? I have always known or felt that I wanted to be an actress. I didn't much do anything about this urge until high school drama club. The 4 years in high school were awesome and I honestly LOVED high school because I got to do what I loved with lots of really neat people. This is when I promised myself that someday, far in the future, I would move to CA and give it a whirl. Just try. Well, high school ended and off to college I went - to major in business. See, I have this fiercely practical side of me that is constantly fighting with my creative side. Well, in college I thought I had to let that practical side win. I knew I could get a job if I majored in business so that's what I did. I secretly wanted to major in theatre, but knew that I would struggle to make money in that field. I even told myself after I graduated high school that I was done with theatre and acting. It was fun while it lasted, but it was time to grow up. That idea lasted, oh, 2 months maybe. Because in August I was auditioning for my first community theatre show.
I continued my schooling in business (pretty much hating most of my classes. In fact, I hated college so much that I graduated in just 3 years so I could be done with it sooner). However, on the side, I was still doing several shows with a local community theater and eventually joined the board. I loved being on stage and also rather enjoyed the business aspect of running a theatre. Life was good. I graduated college and needed to get a stable job. And so I did. My first, non-internship job was at a small company where I only lasted 3 months because I was so miserable. I gained about 15 pounds and cried every night at the thought of going back there the next day. Luckily, during those 3 months I was cast in another show and had some form of escape.
I eventually got a great job back at the company I interned for. It was wonderful and somewhat creative. It is the job I still have today, although it has changed dramatically over the past three years. I was working in the catalog department for Corporate Express. For the first year or so I was assigned to smaller flyers, not catalogs. Still extremely deadline driven, but the catalog side had it a lot worse. I continued to do a show here and there, but we just bought a house so there were other responsibilities now. Fast forward to about a 2 years ago - I was newly assigned to catalogs. Ugh, I knew it was gonna be bad, but I really had no idea. Because we were so driven by deadlines, we were sometimes at the office until 9pm, 10pm and on a few occasions till midnight. Keep in mind, I come into work at 7am so the days were loooong. Also, the majority of the time we didn't know we were working late until 15 minutes before I was supposed to leave. Needless to say, it was impossible to do any theatre because rehearsals were always in the evenings and if you couldn't make a rehearsal due to work, you clearly can't be in a show. I was miserable, kept having break downs, stressed beyond belief and desperately wanted out.
Eventually, I started applying for other jobs within the company. Jobs I didn't even want or care about. I just wanted a job where I could come in, work my 8 hours and leave. I wanted a job that allowed me to do what I really loved - act. My bosses weren't too happy with this because while I was still miserable I was producing more pages than anyone on the team. So, they eventually worked out a schedule of only 1 late night a week and if I had rehearsal, I got to leave. It was unfair to the rest of the team, but it allowed me to act, so I didn't care. Eventually, Corporate Express got bought out by Staples and work all but ended so doing theatre stopped being in conflict.
Side track--- wow, I didn't realize until just now just how correlated my misery in life is with the fact that something was keeping me from acting. Very interesting. Anyway...back to the story...
Backing up just a tad. Since I knew I had wanted to move to LA, Evan and I decided to take a road trip out there to get a feel for certain areas and look at some apartments. In April 2008 we made a trip out there. It was one of the worst trips that I've been on. I was so incredibly stressed out at the idea of living in LA that I didn't want to leave the hotel room. I cried daily, we couldn't get in to see any apartments, the areas we thought we could afford were far from appealing and I just hated being there. It wasn't until we turned ourselves into tourists and went to Universal Studios that I calmed down. At that point I wasn't ready to move. We didn't have enough savings, I hadn't done enough research, I didn't want to quit my job and be broke - I just flat out didn't want to move. So, we didn't. We decided to save up for another year and try again later.
Then comes September 2008. Staples had bought Corporate Express back in July, but in September we learned our fate. We were retained until October 1, 2009. This means that we got to keep our jobs and "assist with the transition" until October at which time we would receive a bonus for staying plus severance. This was the sign I needed! The decision was made for me - I didn't have to quit my job to move, they were quitting for me and they were paying me to leave!! It was awesome! I had one year to get my life in order and mentally prepare myself for the move. And now here we are - I have 1 month and 26 days till I'm done with work and then off to California we go!
::: start reading below if you skipped all the middle :::
Ok, now that you're caught up. Here are my thoughts on the whole move....I'm terrified. I have never lived farther than 5 minutes from my family. I have always lived in a nice, quiet, safe suburb where one can afford to live comfortably. All my friends are here, I know where everything is...and oh yeah, we own a house here. I'm trading all that in to go live in one of the most congested, polluted, dangerous and expensive places in the country for some sliver of a chance that I'll be successful. I'm so completely stressed with having to figure out how to rent our house out, to hire a moving company, handle the logistics of moving, finding a place to live out there, what I'm gonna do for money, etc that my head is gonna burst. I feel like I'm jumping into a shark pit with both feet in order to chase a dream that might live at the bottom of the ocean.
I try to remind myself that I will forever regret not going and not trying. That I will never get what I dreamt of if I don't try. That it's only a few states away and with the internet, friends and family are never far. But with all that - I'm still scared. I'm going to do it, but I'm scared. Having a big dream is one thing, actually following that dream is quite another. Because what do I have left after I follow it and it leads to a dead end? I have no idea and that's what frightens me the most - that after I hit the end of the road, I won't have anything else to look forward to or to work towards.
I know that I'm not smart enough, strong enough and sure as hell not a good enough actor, but there isn't a better time than now. So I'm going to try. And if I fail, at least I can say that I tried.
The end! Good job for making it all the way through!! Here's a brownie! No, here are 3 brownies!
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