Zombieland (2009)- Starring Woody Harrelson as himself and the poor man’s Michael Cera/Shia LeBuef. The scene at Bill Murray’s house in the second act is worth the admission.
Kick-Ass (2010)- Went to the theatre for this one. I worry that I’m becoming desensitized to hyper-violence. When the little girl chops a man’s head off, I wondered to myself “how does her wig stay on?”
Roxanne (1987)- I don’t know if anyone else caught this, but they totally ripped off the play Cyrano de Bergerac. Edmond Rostand should sue them for royalties.
Looney Tunes: Back in Action (2003)- I don’t know why I watched this (all the way through no less). It’s bad when you think to yourself, “You know what would make this movie better? Michael Jordan.” He actually makes a cameo, and you know what? Didn’t help.
The Mighty Ducks (1992)- Re-watching this made me feel bad for the Ducks that got cut from the team between sequels. All for the sake of bringing in Kenan Thompson. Also, it dawned on me that the guy playing the lovable old man, Hans, is played by the same actor who played the villain in Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey. No way? Way.
The Producers (2005)- They should turn this into a staged musical. Yep. That would be a much better format for this.
3 Ninjas (1992)- This used to be a favorite of mine when I was nine. Re-watching in 2010, however, did not go so well. This movie was touted to be a mix of Home Alone and Ninja Turtles. The difference is that Macaulay Culkin and the Turtles weren’t complete idiots and could actually be effective. Three men with guns assault your babysitter and intend to kidnap you. What do you do? Call the police? No. Use your ninja training to actually hurt them? No. The 3 Ninjas decide to simply annoy them! How? By throwing CDs at them, by making them slip on jelly beans and oil, by throwing pepper in their eyes, and by feeding them ex lax. And at no point do they even think about taking the kidnapper’s guns. I’ve never yelled so much at fictional characters in my life.
3 Ninjas: Kick Back (1994)- Yeah, I know. But there were so many unanswered questions from the first film. Shameful confession: if 3 Ninjas: Knuckle Up was on Netflix’s Watch Instantly, I probably would’ve watched that too. But I would’ve drawn the line at watching 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain. Probably.
Pineapple Express (2008)- Wow, Seth Rogen really likes playing that one character, doesn’t he?
Innerspace (1987)- Martin Short as a semi-serious leading man is strange. Very strange. At least he found a way to incorporate his patented Ed Grimley dance.
Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure (1985)- So is Pee-Wee Herman a tall child? Or a very eccentric adult? I’m hoping for the latter, otherwise he has some very negligent parents. The whole thing made me sad for the Pee-Wee Herman/Ernest P. Worrell cross-over movie that will never be.
The Chronic(what)cles of Narnia: Prince Caspian (2008)- Eddie Izzard’s voice in a small warrior mouse is slightly off-putting.
Drop Dead Fred (1991)- Most imaginary friends are harmless. Drop Dead Fred is not. He tracks poop on carpets, puts Lizzie’s dad in jail, sinks a boat, chops off hair in the night, etc. So either Lizzie is completely sociopathic and uses this imaginary being as a scapegoat for her own bad behavior or Fred is some sort of actual demon that is able to manipulate her into doing his bidding. Either way, she needs much more help than a love interest with an earring can provide.
House Bunny (2008)- I’m pretty certain Collin Hanks will always look like a 15 year old boy.
You Don’t Mess With The Zohan (2008)- The mean corporation wants to shut the hair salon down so they can build a giant mall. I would think that all they’d have to do is mention to the city that Zohan is charging women to have sex with him. It might’ve saved them the trouble of hiring Dave Mathews as a henchman.
Labyrinth (1986)- This movie is full of neat and innovative ideas that stand the test of time. David Bowie in tight tights is not one of them.
The Wizard (1989)- Famous for the debut of Super Mario 3 to the general public. This movie made me want to go out and buy a Nintendo Power Glove, though I resisted the urge. Bonus: at the end of the movie there is an appearance of a young Tobey Maguire with a horrible 1989 haircut.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)- I’ve realized that it’s not Kirsten Dunst’s fault that she’s a bad actress. I think she’s naturally that way and there isn’t anything she can do about it.
Nick & Nora’s Infinite Playlist (2008)- I really liked it, but think I’ll like it better when they call it Scott Pilgrim.
Being John Malkovich (1999)- Catherine Keener is a fine actress who has never played a character that I’ve sympathized with or even cared about what happens to. Is it her? Or is it me?
Congratulations to the actors that coincidentally appeared in more than one movie on my schizophrenic list: Steve Martin (Roxanne and Looney Tunes), Emma Stone (Zombieland and House Bunny), Kat Dennings (House Bunny and Nick & Nora) and Kevin Corrigan (Pineapple Express and Nick & Nora). Special mention to Cabazon Dinosaurs for being a major set piece in both Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure and The Wizard.
Respectfully submitted,
Evan Gray Marquez
